Well I’m glad I ignored the advise of everyone who said not to visit the foster family. We had a great day. They arrived with 4 kids, including granddaughter, niece, foster child, etc. We had a great breakfast, and then ran around the park, did a ½ horse carriage tour, (which the kids loved!) and then came to the apartments, where some residents had set up a little wading pool.

But more important than what we did was the love that was so clear. Liana spent the first year and one month of her life in the loving embrace of this wonderful extended family. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to offer a child so much love for a year, and then to just see her go. Later in the day, when we were all feeling comfortable with one another, the foster mom took Liana off for a bit of a private walk. I saw them on the other side of the park, and the senora was holding her and talking to her and cuddling her, and getting just a little bit of private time before having to give her away for forever… this child who she had so loved and nurtured.

We will see how Liana wakes up from her nap. She might have a bit of a regression. She might not. She went easily from arm to arm today, being passed around by adults and kids, and then easily back to me. Even if she has a little bit of a throw-back, it was still worth it to honor these wonderful people whose impact on Liana will always be there.

I am really glad I did this.

Oh what a day. I am so stressed out about not getting my Pink Appointment. I am taking Liana tomorrow (against the advise of lots of people) to hang out with her wonderful foster family. The transition of leaving them was hard. And we may have some stress after the visit. But Liana’s foster mom, and her kids and granddaughter were Liana’s loving family for the first year of her life. And I think I owe them the opportunity to say goodbye. But I am nervous. I am meeting the foster mom at the park at 9:30. She is bringing 4 kids.

Liana refused to take a nap today, so all of the chores that I planned to do during her nap did not get done. Including calling the airlines to figure out what to do with the airline ticket that I have for next Monday, but which I am unable to change because I have no idea when my Embassy appointment is going to be.

And to top it all off, Liana was playing with some courtyard kids and took a nasty fall. She bit her lip with her little teeth, and has a little dried blood in her nose that I have been trying to clean out with aloe gel and a q-tip. Her foster parents will think I am abusing her. I’m bringing her to breakfast with dried up blood crusting her little nose.

And having me poke at her with a q-tip has made her quite miserable, and crankier than she would have been without having taken a nap or having a bloody nose. So she slapped me, and I said “no, suave” and showed her how to touch softly. She slapped me again, and I said “no, suave” and touched softly. You have to understand, we do the “no, suave” thing with the kids here all the time when one hits the other. So she hit me again, and I put her in time out. Only her second time out ever. The first one was for hitting too. Well she cried for the full 30 seconds, and so did I. Even though I’ve decided to do time out for hitting, maybe I should have cut the kid a break this evening.

Rough day. All around.

No Pink. No bad news either. Just nothing. In abundance.

I am sooooo losing patience with this wait for my email from the US Embassy. People whose DNA was submitted after mine have already gotten their Pinks and have appointments for the Embassy interview. This process has taken me so long as it is, and I was emotionally prepared for more delays with my second DNA, but the results came back fine! So what is the hold up at the Embassy?

At this point it seems that I am probably going to stay here for Christmas. We are cutting it much much closer than I thought we would. Monday when we got the DNA results, I thought we could possibly have our Embassy interview next week. Now the following week might not even happen.

I have always been really good with kids, but I don’t know a thing about babies and toddlers. I’m making it up as I go along. Of course being a nerdy intellectual type, I’ve done a lot of reading. And being an outgoing social creature, I’ve done a lot of talking with other parents. And as a student of my environment, I’ve watched lots of other moms.

My major effort has gone into creating environments for Liana with minimal reasons to say “no.” She understands “no” and she responds to it. But I like saying “eso!” and “yeah!” and “mas!” much more. The positive reinforcement is much more my style. I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “testing limits” which is, of course, what a little toddler brain wants to do all the time. I am fascinated by watching Liana “test” and see what is ok, and what isn’t.

Liana is fascinated with faces, which is very age appropriate. So we talk about faces a lot, (ummm… I talk, she interacts) and I touch her nose and say “nariz” and then touch mine or someone else’s or the nose on a statue or a painting. We do it with eyes and ears and mouths and ears too. But the nose issue has been coming up in an interesting way. She has traditionally smiled and laughed when I touched her nose and then other noses. Then the other night in a restaurant, I saw her with her finger right up her nostril. I said “no, sucio!” and she looked genuinely surprised and startled. After all.. I had been touching her nose for fun, and she was just exploring further. And I encourage exploration. It must have been confusing. So she went for the nostril again, and I said no again. Hmmm… She thought about it for a few seconds, and put her finger on the side of her nose, next to the nostril, and looked at me to see if that was ok. I kind of felt neutral aobut it, so I didn’t really react. She went up the nostril again, and got a no. Hmmm… She was clearly confused. She then touched the tip of her nose, and then reached out to touch the tip of my nose. “Nariz!” I exclaimed. And then “nose!” Hmmmm. I watched her little brain working... trying to figure this out. Up the nostril again? “No.” The side of the nose? No response from me other than a steady gaze. The tip of hers. I touched the tip of mine. She smiled. The nostril again? “No.”

Testing limits. Literally. It was clear that this particular limit was confusing, and I guess my “touch the nose” game, which she enjoyed a lot, made it more confusing.

Since the original incident in the restaurant, whenever I try now to touch her nose, she shakes her head “no.” I don’t know if this “no” is saying she doesn’t want to play the game, or if this “no” is saying the game is too confusing, or if this “no” is just expressing her power of “no” since I had clearly expressed my power of “no” by not allowing her to put her finger up her nostril, so she is saying "no," I may not touch her nose.

We are both trying to figure the whole thing out together. But I am really lucky to have a receptive learner, with an active curiosity, and a willingness to experiment. There will be many more limits to test as the days and weeks and years go by. I hope that I can be clear, and not confusing. I hope that I can keep finding more reasons to say “yes” instead of “no.” And I hope as her cognitive skills develop, I have good reasons for every “no” and that I never give a “no” without reason.

My little art critic is going to make an excellent grad student. She knows how to do that “nod emphatically and pretend you understand” thing that I didn’t learn how to do until my late 20’s. Yesterday, for example, I was holding her in the courtyard, and she was examining a mole on my shoulder. I mentioned it to my neighbor, who said her daughter also had quite an interest in moles, and that she thought perhaps she had a future as a dermatologist. I nodded and laughed. My neighbor nodded and laughed. Liana nodded and laughed.

Now she is a smart kid, but I am pretty darn sure she didn’t get that particular piece of humor.

I didn’t learn how to bluff until grad school myself. It was in Professor Schneider’s seminar, entitled “Military Intervention in the Political Process.” Prof Schneider knew everything about everything about everything, and would ramble on about the weather during a particular battle 700 years ago, and how that weather that effected the harvest of a particular crop which ended up ultimately meaning the food supplies blah blah blah… and I was always lost. Literally lost in time and space. Sometimes I had no idea where or when the situation he was describing was taking place.

Some really smart lady sat right next to the Prof, and nodded emphatically when he went off on his anecdotes, and always had something interesting and intelligent to say. At a certain point I befriended her, and she told me the secret. Nod emphatically, smile, pick up on one aspect of what he is saying, and then compare it to something you know something about. Wow. Honestly, that had never occurred to me.

But Liana does that already, at 14 months. I didn’t learn it until my late 20’s!!!. She nods, seems to understand, and then directs your attention to an interesting piece of art or her new sippy cup or a squeaky toy. Nod. Smile. Redirect. Wow.

In Professor Schneider’s class we had to pick one country and one military intervention in that country’s political process to do as a semester-long project for the course, culminating in a paper and oral presentation. We could pick any country in the world, and any point in history. I picked Guatemala, 1954. I knew a lot about the country, a lot about the coup, a lot about how Guatemala had been the victim of cold war politics, and figured I could share a bit of my personal experiences in Guatemala during the aftermath of that military intervention, since the Prof clearly enjoyed obscure details. As I was doing research for the project, I was shocked, thrown to the floor shocked, to find that my professor had LITERALLY written the book “Communism in Guatemala, 1944-1954.” Oh my.

After many sleepless nights, tears, anxiety beyond description, I approached the Professor on the fact that I had proposed a topic, and was preparing an extensive project, which directly contradicted the premise in his very first book, written in 1959. He smirked, and said he wondered if I was going to run across his work. He said he had been a young man, with his first job at the pentagon, and that he had been commissioned to write the book, which he did enthusiastically, relying on sources provided to him primarily by his employer. He went on to say that the book was a bit of an embarrassment to him now.

So you see princess… bluffing isn’t always the best strategy. Nor is following someone else’s lead. Ask questions. Even hard ones. What do you think?

BTW- that really smart lady in my Military Intervention in the Political Process class became my really good friend Carol, soon to be Liana’s Auntie Carol. Carol was there for me when my mom died. Carol’s mom is facing a very aggressive cancer right now, and I’m not there for her. But Carol, I’m thinking about you every day. Write me when you get a chance, ok?

Liana is finding it really hard to wait for this email from the US Embassy. She doesn't know what to do with herself. Should she chew on her book? Count to five? Throw her teething ring on the floor? Offer her shoe to strangers walking by?

Oh my. Decisions to make. And soon.

In the next couple of days I will get an email from the US Embassy. It will probably be my Pink Appointment, giving me a date to show up at the Embassy with Liana to apply for her visa. The date will probably be about a week away. It is possible that the email will be a dreaded I-72, which means more delays. But it will probably be Pink.

Ok. Count the dates on your fingers. At this point it is pretty probable that my Pink appointment will be before the Christmas break. And then Liana’s visa will be issued before the break. But really really close.

So what do I do? Do I scramble to travel to NYC with the holiday travelers? And then, do I arrive in frigid NY days before Christmas… with a million things to do? I bought her a winter coat with a hat before I left, but she needs a coat with a hood because she refused to wear hats. No mittens or scarf or boots. I don’t even really have any warm clothes for her.

And there are lots of errands to run. I need to get one of those gate things to put on my bed, where she will sleep for a while. I need gates for doors too. I need to get one of those exosaucer things to put her in before she will even let me unpack. She NEEDS stacking cups. And a kids’ make-believe cell phone. She is always trying to steal people’s cell phones. And I need a food processor. And lots and lots of groceries. And I need a thing to bathe her in…. maybe one of the blow-up duckies or something… but I can’t bathe her until I get something. And I need soft towels for her. And I have to get her one of those pushy toys that kids who are just learning to walk have. I have lots of errands to run…lots of shopping to do in different places. Would have to get the warm clothes for her first. And I am thinking of doing all of this in the madness of Christmas shoppers?

Aunt Joanie and Celia have invited me to go to Virginia for Christmas, but there is no way that is happening. We are just going to arrive home, repack, and hit the airport again? That makes no sense.

I could spend the holidays here. It is warm, and nice. We could arrive home between Christmas and New Years, and do all of our shopping in relative calm. It might be nice to spend the Solstice here… there must be ruins close by that do fun things at the Solstices.. with the light shining through and hitting some special piece of art for the Solstice. The Mayans were into that sort of thing.

But there is a part of me that wants to just be home. And another part of me that cannot believe that after more than a year in this process, that she is coming home in the dead of winter.

Liana LOVES to go out. I love going out and running neighborhood errands, and she is going to love Jackson Heights. But during the cold of winter I become a hermit. And she has never known the cold. One more week, or two, of running neighborhood errands in the warmth of the sun of Antigua.

And then there is Lago Atitlan. Is it possible that I am only a couple of hours away from the most beautiful lake on planet earth, a place that I have loved and visited over and over again for two decades…is it possible that we are so close, and that I am not going there? I could go to the lake for the Solstice and Christmas. It would be hard to get around. Harder than the cobblestone streets of Antigua…. Cobblestone or dirt streets, straight up the side of three volcanoes. Nothing is flat. And getting in and out of little boats to get from village to village. It would be hard with Liana. But I am so close. It seems a shame not to go.

So where do we go? What do we do?

Oh my!!!!!! The final DNA test results are being forwarded to the US Embassy, and the results are 99.9%!!!!

Many of you know the dreadful DNA drama that I went through with Liana. I will post about it at some point in the future. But I was really really nervous that there would be problems with this round of DNA testing.

After the US Embassy reviews the DNA and everything else, they will either issue me my PINK appointment, or will ask for more clarification. If they do not ask for additional clarification or paperwork, my appoinment could be next week!!!!

Well, Liana might enjoy the tortillas and mole poblano (and the artwork!) at Frida’s restaurant, but mom is not delighted with the scam they pulled on my bill. I asked for the enchiladas with mole poblano, with cheese instead of chicken. As a big fan of mole, I’ve made that very specific request more times than you can imagine. When I lived in Mexico, I probably ate mole in a restaurant once a week, with cheese enchiladas. Even in NYC, I seek out mole. But Frida’s has a special policy. They charged me the regular price for the enchiladas, and then charged me again for the cheese, making my enchiladas end up costing more than anything else on the menu. Making the enchiladas, in fact, cost much more than I would pay for them in NYC!!!!!

I argued over the check, to several staff members, each of whom ended up disappearing, as if they intended to go off and resolve the issue. Liana was in the stroller, tired, and cranky and ready to go. The last fellow said that the cheese was extra. Period. I said that I wanted a rebate for not having meat then. He said they could not do that.

I paid the amount on the bill. Down to the last centavo of a quetzal. Told everyone on the way out to examine their bills carefully, using words like scam and trampa, depending on the language spoken. And walked out.

You know, I don’t bargain with street vendors, hoping to save $3 on a weaving that took someone a week to complete. In fact I feel really good about spending my money here and supporting the local economy. I don’t mind overpaying at the corner store to avoid the walk over to the chaotic bodegona. (Hey, I overpay at corner stores in NY too.) I over-tip tuc tuc drivers who struggle to get Liana's stroller folded and into their little vehicle. But I really really really resent getting ripped off at a very successful (and good) restaurant.

Shame on them.

Well during breakfast, 4 year old Lily announced that a parade was coming. I mean, it is a festive Sunday in the park, with balloons and soap bubbles and cotton candy and ladies in high heels, but a parade? Sure enough. The kid knew the signs.

It is the annual Bodegona Start of the Holiday Season Parade or some such thing. And such a tacky event cannot be described. The Bodegona is the very large supermarket place that is also sort of like, I guess, a Walmart? So marching bands were flanked by children dressed as laundry detergent and stick-it notes. Reindeer and cotton snow and kids in red Santa hats graced the passing floats. And at the end, deer Santa himself.

I’ve got to tell you, I must be pms’ing, because I actually got all gushy about Liana’s first Santa. Now the context was bizarre. And I did have quite a little debate with Celia a while back about the fact that I have no intentions of lying to Liana and telling her that there is a man who comes down chimneys and leaves nice presents for rich kids, and very little for poor kids. I will tell her that a long long time ago there was a nice man named Nicholas, who gave presents to the poor, and we celebrate his goodness by giving presents to each other, and people dress up like him to honor him.

But today, as a man in a white beard and ridiculously inappropriate red outfit rode by on a bed of cotton past the palm trees, I got sort of warm and fuzzy. Who knew?

The kids loved the parade, but I had to make my way through the crowd to find my favorite bathroom, because Liana was in desperate need of a diaper change. Afterwards we had planned to go hang out with the kids at a local hostel where they had advertised that they were showing the movie Shrek. It was a nice place. Dorm sleeping for backpackers, and $8 a night got you a clean bed, breakfast, free beer, and a really nice garden area with hammocks and high speed internet and a TV. Sadly, it appears that the Shrek video had disappeared, and so there was no show for the kids. But we played on the hammocks and talked to the travelers and I thought about the many times I had stayed in places like this, sharing stories with the adventurers… the real travelers who are wandering from one obscure place to another.

Well the princess hasn’t been eating much, so when she woke up hungry at 2:00 AM I made her a fresh bottle. Then she woke up at 5:00. In her cute mode.

I cannot even begin to describe how truly cute her cute mode is. Especially when she just wakes up. So she was crawling around the bed, moving her hands and legs really really really fast and burying her face in the mattress and chanting bababababababababab, and then triumphantly lifting her head and arms in the air and exclaiming GAH!, followed by claps and giggles. Sometimes the fast-crawls would end with her landing on top of me, and either putting her head on my belly, or jumping on top of me. GAH! This was followed by standing on her own (an action which she knows will result in praise and tickles from me) and lots of clapping before the inevitable fall, which of course is followed by giggles and more tickles.

Now honestly I would have preferred to be sleeping at 5:00 AM. At 2:00 as well, for that matter. But hunger and cuteness won over. We went back to sleep around 6:00 I think, and then didn’t wake up until about 9:30.

Just get them on a schedule, everyone tells me.

Uh huh.

By the way. My neighbor noticed that Liana is getting 2, maybe 3 back molars. Before getting the teeth in between. Hmmmm. It is probably rather painful. And probably the new teeth are contributing to her lack of interest in food, and perhaps the odd sleep schedule.

Oddly, we had one very exciting milestone today. We had a FUN bath. A bath with minimal tears going in, and lots of giggles and fun inside the tub! You have no idea how stressful bathing has been. Irene remembers, from the visit trip. Screams indicating unspeakable torture. Flailing. Indignation.
We have started watching Rubber Ducky on YouTube daily, and playing with her rubber ducky and signing and whatnot. Has it helped? Who knows. Today, the bath was fun! May future baths be this delightful!